Somehow yesterday when 1husband left to go to work I had a change of heart. I thought maybe, just maybe we would have a chance if he got counselling, stopped the drinking, the drugs. I thought maybe I should book us a counselling session give it a try for a while.
Then through last night I had nightmares, This is what occurs every time I think about sticking with it. Nightmares again; last year it was night terrors. Last year I became physically ill, with multiple cysts including bone cysts. I got worked up by several doctors finally one sat me down and said it was stress related and that I needed to take a long hard look at my life and find my source of stress. I got angry, deep down angry about that. My marriage was making me sick, literally.
When 1husband goes away to work my spirits generally pick up, and I was almost there today till I saw what 1husband had done this past several days while he was drunk and stoned. He dumped garbage on the yard, again! it is so fucked up. He will load up the truck for a dump run, then get high go ‘fuck it’ and then dump the truckload on the property, over and over again. Then he messed up a flower bed I had built. I have begged, pleaded, threatened, it never ends. Passive Aggressive behaviour never fucking ends. The booze the dope it helps but he’ll do the same shit sober, then he buys me gifts.
I hate this life! I am not a person who lives on a place with garbage dumped randomly on the property, I am too good for this life.
I dream of a day where I get up and see that I have a clean yard and a pretty little flower bed. That would be a good day.
1Husband bought me gifts the day he left, and I almost caved. But almost (close) only counts in horseshoes and hand grenades, I am leaving for my sanity, for my health and for a flower bed.