I am trying to figure out how to live authentically within this turmoil touched by 1husbands ‘insanity’. I live with a misdirected man. I am constantly reacting to his chaos, anticipating his next destructive maneuver, bracing myself, just so I can protect myself and my things, from him.
You know I got my wellness list. I got lots I am doing. Exercise. Friends. Play. Work. But it is all so very hard. I take care of myself. But this life still takes everything out of me emotionally, strips me raw, leaves me standing alone.
I see myself sometimes; like a self-portrait in my mind. I stand all alone naked in the middle of this world all protection gone, every nerve ending exposed. Can you see the image too, one where even a spring breeze would feel unbearable? In this portrait I see myself with a lined and dirt streaked face. One arm crossed across my chest. With still a glint of defiance in my eyes.
What do I do to make it through? Exercise more? Play harder? Walk the dog more?
There are just too many moments where I feel I will break apart. Fall off the wall. Shatter into pieces then lose the energy to stick myself back together again.
I cannot fathom a life where I stay broken. No one close to me can really understand what it is like. I just want me, to be me, and not be marred by crazy; not married to crazy.
So, I am reaching out, trying something new.
I am thinking that the people attending CODA might get me, and give me the support I need now.
I guess I want magic. I am not certain that there is any real magic in this world. But I will keep reaching out looking for the support that will get me thru to the end.
I suspect that the chaos won’t end 8 months from now when I serve 1husband with separation papers and leave. 8 months from now I believe a new phase of crazy will only just begin. Honestly I wouldn’t be surprised if crazy doesn’t go on for another 2 more years.
Can this woman find the magic she needs?
Will this be another step toward an authentic life?