CODA Anyone? 72 hours till I try it for the first time.

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I am trying to figure out how to live authentically within this turmoil touched by 1husbands ‘insanity’.  I live with a misdirected man. I am constantly reacting to his chaos, anticipating his next destructive maneuver, bracing myself, just so I can protect myself and my things, from him.

You know I got my wellness list.  I got lots I am doing.  Exercise.  Friends.  Play.  Work.  But it is all so very hard.  I take care of myself.  But this life still takes everything out of me emotionally, strips me raw, leaves me standing alone.

I see myself sometimes; like a self-portrait in my mind.  I stand all alone naked in the middle of this world all protection gone, every nerve ending exposed.  Can you see the image too, one where even a spring breeze would feel unbearable?  In this portrait I see myself with a lined and dirt streaked face.  One arm crossed across my chest. With still a glint of defiance in my eyes.

What do I do to make it through?  Exercise more? Play harder? Walk the dog more?

There are just too many moments where I feel I will break apart.  Fall off the wall.  Shatter into pieces then lose the energy to stick myself back together again.

I cannot fathom a life where I stay broken.  No one close to me can really understand what it is like.  I just want me, to be me, and not be marred by crazy; not married to crazy.

So, I am reaching out, trying something new.

I am thinking that the people attending CODA might get me, and give me the support I need now.

I guess I want magic.  I am not certain that there is any real magic in this world.  But I will keep reaching out looking for the support that will get me thru to the end.

I suspect that the chaos won’t end 8 months from now when I serve 1husband with separation papers and leave.  8 months from now I believe a new phase of crazy will only just begin.  Honestly I wouldn’t be surprised if crazy doesn’t go on for another 2 more years.

Can this woman find the magic she needs?

http://www.coda.org/

Will this be another step toward an authentic life?

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4 thoughts on “CODA Anyone? 72 hours till I try it for the first time.

  1. Double Leo

    I think you show great strength in just STARTING your journey!!! Yes there will be set backs but at least your moving!!!!

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