1knife 1gun 0lovers and still 1husband

I am keeping this blog so that I may remember why I am leaving, in case I get maudlin and decide one day to stay.

I left 1husband 2 weeks ago, he told me to come back, I really had no place to go and no plan so I came back.

I am leaving but it just has to be 8 months from now, just not now.

My leaving did one thing it gave me the opportunity to tell 1husband that I am not happy in this marriage.  He promised reconciliation all last week.

So I gave him 1list.

Eat dinner with me.  Go out one night each turn around for a date night.  Cook with me, shop with me, bring me to my appointments.  Do a hobby together.  Learn something new together.  Be sober.  I asked for marriage counseling.  I asked that he see a doctor.

It is just before 5 pm 2 weeks and 2 days after I fled in the middle of the night.  1husband is drunk and stoned.  The music is so loud the cops are sure to show up sooner or later.  He is walking around in camo shorts.  1knife on his left hip 1gun on his right.  This is not illegal where we live, but just the same.

I have texted my counsellor, I have texted two close friends I have told them about today asking that when I leave to remind me not to come back, remind me about these days.

1husband spent the day doing some repair work but then the alcohol and the weed took over and now he is fucked up.  This is the manic phase, with undercurrents of aggression, soon to be followed by aggression, then verbal abuse.  I’ll be told all that is wrong with me if I stick around, but I am going out tonight with a friend to a concert so maybe I’ll miss ‘the list’. 

Wait one moment Ill be right back. Close call for my blogging.  1husband has just come up the stairs to get the 22 he’s gonna kill a rodent.  This is not illegal where we live, but just the same.

1lover is gone now, he is just 1friend.  I lost 1lover last week during the turmoil of my fleeing.  My life is touched by insanity.  I think I must look or act insane by association.  Hell, I’d back off from me too.

I am raw, and I feel like rebelling, I feel like running away again.  If someone asks me to go home with them tonight I doubt I will say no.  I doubt I will be asked, but just the same.