It is the middle of the afternoon of a very long day.
Two days ago I could get away from 1husband and go to spend an amazing 2 hours with 1lover. But that was two days ago. I am not a very clever woman, I can not think of how I can get away now. I doubt I will see 1lover till 1husband leaves to go to work again.
Yesterday 1 husband treated me poorly. It is what he does.
So when he announced it was time for me to make him supper I purposefully misunderstood him and cooked him something else. I also used some ingredients he tells me never to use when cooking for him. I felt pretty good about this, until this morning when he announced that it is my cooking that makes him feel ill, and so I had to feed what was leftover to the dog for breakfast.
My husband always blames the food I make, never the 12 or more beers he drink that day or the day before or what must be one pretty tired liver. It is always me and my actions that are to blame.
One husband is ridiculing me now, telling me that I am stupid at what I do for my work, and what I do for him. He lets it be known how gracious he is for tolerating my behaviour.
1Husband waves a bottle of organic micro brew beer in front of my face and tells me it is his. It is not, it is what I drink, but I know that in about 1 hour all my micro brews will be gone. My fault for having them where he can find them. Indeed, I am not a clever woman.
1Husband is going to install a washing machine in an outbuilding on our farm for the future farm workers, he is doing that now. 1Husband and I had a long talk about plans, and housing for the workers, how to set things up where things, like the washer, would work out best. But that plan and that talk is long ‘forgotten’. 1Husband ‘forgets’ all our discussions; he never follows a plan. The washer is going in the most inconvenient spot it could go to that I can think of, probably for him too. This is classic 1husband behaviour. Working to ensure failure. The washer was my idea so it must fail completely. This will prove once again that I am not a clever woman.
5 days. That is how long till I meet with my new lawyer. She came recommended by a litigation lawyer I met during counselling. Counselling I went to trying to figure out why I was so unhappy, back when I was trying to figure out how to make my marriage work. Wasn’t too smart then either.
I have read much about divorce in Canada. It is pretty straight forward except that I want to leave the farm. I want to leave so desperately I can barely come home from work when I am home I can only think of driving away. What I read says consult a lawyer before you leave. So, I shall, in five days.
I left for 2 hours yesterday. I called a mover. He is coming next week. He will help me pack up most of my personal belongings so I can put them into the secret storage unit I have.
In one hour I shall leave again and go find boxes and newspapers to pack things up with and put those into the secret storage unit to prepare for next week.
I wish I didn’t have to sneak around, but I know who I am married to, and I must be safe. Maybe for one moment of my life I shall do something clever, and leave smartly and for good.