Alone and Happy.

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I am happy.  I have been alone for 2 nights, this is my third. I am alone and I am happy.

It is just after 7pm and I am smiling to myself.  Curled up beside me is my dog, the cat sleeps nearby.  I came home to a clean house, no tv, no smell of stale beer, I ate a good home cooked meal, I heard no insults, there was peace.  Yes, I still must do all the chores, they are waiting for me, but I do them all anyways, it’s just that now I am grinning.  But I must break the spell for a moment.

7:18pm  1husband lives away for 7 days at a time when he works.  It is my duty to text him daily so I perform my duty.  “Happy Boxing Day” I say.  1husband never texts me first unless to insult me or to ask me to buy beer. At least that is how I feel about it.

7:22pm he replies “crunchies go bad”.  This is typical, never a real conversation.  As I read the words I feel cold shivers run thru me and I feel annoyed.

7:23 I type ‘LOL’ this is my response I can’t be bothered to engage anymore, so I type shit that means nothing, in response to his shit that means nothing.  This is my survival.

7:35pm and  I think about 1lover.  1lover has been texting me all throughout the day.  He calls me beautiful, amazing among many other words.  Words that make me feel amazing and make me feel beautiful. When he texts me I feel not only those things I also feel heat everywhere in my body. From my fingers to my toes.  And 1lover calls just to hear my voice.  It is not excessive, he has the day off and was bored and wanting me, he had to go away spend Christmas with his parents.  I had to work.  He wanted me to go with him, he thought I would like his parents.  But it is too soon, way too soon for me. 1lover says he has patience, I am worth the wait.

7:40 Dead air.   There are things I know.  The virtual silence of my smart phone will go on, if I don’t hold the conversation none will happen.

7:42pm My mind wanders as I wait for the text tone.  I think of 1lover and his kisses.  We have planned a rendezvous for tomorrow, he is coming back home and I will be sleeping over.  I believe that tomorrow we will share our passion for good food and wine, touching and kissing and meaningful conversation, and I will help heal his broken heart and he will help heal mine.

7:44pm  Finally a beep from the phone – 1husband informs he is going to brush his teeth and says good-bye.  It is what he does not say, does not ask, does not tell, that says more.  At least that is how I see it.  That was the entire conversation “Happy. . .Day ”  “Crunchies go bad” “lol” ” . . . brushing teeth”.  Mercifully it is over.  I must, though, keep up appearances, this I know is an absolute truth. I must be safe until I have stored my belongings and cut the financial ties.  11 more months.  I just hope that I can fake it.

I wonder if my friends will believe I was in an abusive relationship when we split, or will they see me as the bad girl?  Breaking such a nice guys heart.  Maybe even everyone will think that I left him for another man? Will they make 1lover out to be the fall guy?

But I am not leaving 1husband for 1lover.  This is the truth.  I was leaving 1husband already.  1lover took me as much by surprise, as I surprised 1lover.  At least that is what he tells me. 1lover knows I care for him.  He is not a dalliance.  It is not just about sex for me or those amazing kisses.  I cheat because I want 1lover and I want him badly.

It is not, inauthentic, I believe if I state that I could have had sex anytime in the marriage that I wanted, just not with 1husband;. at least not with 1husband for the past several years.  I wonder if 1husband heard me say that if he would snort in derision?  I wonder if 1husband knows that almost every work buddy he brought home for beers tried to get me into bed?  Nah, he wouldn’t believe me if I told him.  He would call me delusional and then many other things.  But, just the same, even during these past years of a marriage without sex,  I didn’t care about those men and I didn’t sleep with them either.  So what if drunk guys found me fuckable?  For me, there was no flattery to be gained from that.  1lover is sober when his passion ignites and god help me I live in that moment.  Great and deep breaths of life.

1lover has taken me by surprise, to be certain, and I am not running away from him, but if 1lover and I dissolve, I shall still leave 1husband and be alone, and be happy.  It is still good to be alone but happy.

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