Tonight 1husband isn’t drunk or hung over he is just on the couch watching tv.
I wonder if he will ever break up with me? He may have it too good.
I work, I cook, I clean, I do it all, and I mean every single flipping thing is up to me, it’s why I was up at 4am today, and other days.
He works, yes, but that is close to all that he does. That and chop the wood for the winter.
I have to think about this, I think that I should stop. I wonder what that would look like? I wonder how intense his reaction? Would I feel safe, would I be safe? Could I be daring enough to quit all those jobs he tells me are my jobs. Could I stand up to his anger?
I think I must move more of my possessions out first, then maybe, just maybe I’ll go on strike. I know it is not all about possessions but I need some stuff to set up my new home and I want to leave as soon as I can. I dream about leaving and wish it could be sooner. Financially I can not afford to go for just under 12 more months; emotionally I don’t know if I can survive.
1lover tried to tell me he _ _ _ _ _ me, I stopped him; I told him it was too soon, way too soon.
1lover asked if I felt safe with him, and I told him ‘no’. Shitty answer but an honest answer and the only one I had.
1lover does not pressure me but he has made it clear he wants me to be his 1+. Even typing this I respond in fear to this idea. My stomach churns like I am about to step out onto the wing of an airplane, like when I used to skydive.
He asked if he was scaring me away, I said that he ‘could’, I am indeed spooked by all of his kindness and what he wants to offer.
How messed up am I that I can live in bad and fear what may be good? How did I get so twisted that I can not accept _ _ _ _ ? I can not say or even type the fucking word.
I ride horses. Almost always when faced with danger, the flight and fight situation, a horse chooses flight, and when they choose it they almost always turn 90 degrees away from what they see and move fast and hard.
I am spooked. I am standing on the edge of all that I have known, looking at something I do not know at all and I want to turn and run till my lungs burn and I fall to ground grinding my fingers raw scraping my knees but still crawling away. But if turn those 90 degrees I will still be on the edge of what I know and what I don’t know physically spent and emotionally bleeding.
I feel I must I do what I have never done before; I must spook in place. Stand stomping and snorting; pound my feet to the ground then rear back, dig in and run through to the other side.
Do I tell 1lover I am in love with him too?
Do I let him tell me he loves me till the word looses its terrorizing effect?
Do I let him wave the plastic bags around my head, throw blankets on and off my back. Blankets of love, compassion and caring. Do I believe that he will saddle me in even more love, kindness and understanding. Can I trust again? Can I partner up with a man? Can I join up?
Like every horse who accepts a rider, can I let what could potentially be the most dangerous thing to me ever, hold my head in his hands? My heart? Will he give me more burdens or ease my aches and tend to my needs, like a big-hearted and skilled wrangler?
FUCK! I have jumped out of planes, I have swam with sharks . . . but can I do the scariest thing ever . . . can I let love be love?
Christ almighty I hope I come out alive on the other side.
But on this side I shall surely shrivel up and die.