“How does one become a butterfly?” she asked pensively.
“You must want to fly so much that you are willing to give up being a caterpillar.”
Trina Paulus, Hope for the Flowers
It is a new day and now it is 3pm. 1husband has been drinking since he finished his morning coffee. I have been out with friends and come home and meet ‘happy drunk’ 1husband.
Sober 1husband is mean, manipulative, and abusive. Drinking 1husband is more argumentative, more engaged, more thoughtful, more contrary, and yes, utterly insane. He pokes fun at me, waggles his cock at me, tries to be charming.
For the past few years I have waited for these ‘happy’ moments, but now I know there is no winning in this. Drunk or sober, 1husband is not for me. He used to be a nice guy, but, what used to be is just not enough to sustain this relationship anymore.
You know, I probably still care for him on some level, but, to be honest, I fell ‘out of love with him’ about 5 years ago.
So why am I still here?
Is it because I was conditioned from an early age to accept abuse myself? Well at least that could be one excuse.
Is it because I think a marriage is something worth working on?
Did I mix up co-dependency with love?
Maybe I thought these moments with happy 1husband lasted longer? Maybe I thought they were real, and not an illusion. Now, I am no longer sure.
But I do know that this is all just really fucking me up.
I am not this person at all. This person, with out the ability to plan, or organize. Everything I do, all that I work on gets torn apart verbally if not physically. I live like a reflection of chaos and dysfunction. So much is so very messed up for me.
Today, I was thinking about how much I don’t have, how much I had that has been taken away. Wondering who I am, whom I believe I must be. So much about my self is foreign to me. I am lost somewhere in this and I wonder if I can find my way back to me.
Yet, still I miss what once was between 1husband and I and what I thought it would be.
I wonder if he knows he doesn’t want me anymore either? Or if he still thinks that he does?
I wish I could talk to him about us, but when I have tried, abusive 1husband appears instead.
I miss the old 1husband sometimes.
But I miss me more.