It is just after 4 am, I am stirred from my sleep by sounds coming from the room below my bedroom. First I sense that the other half of my king sized bed is cool and vacant. I have spent most of the night alone, 1husband must have taken the couch for the night. Next I smell a mixed aroma wafting up from below. Skunk spray and horse piss. It is pot and I hear the stereo playing, I can’t see or smell this but instinctively I know there is also stale beer, and empty bottles down below.
I hear the music playing quietly still, it will grow louder. 1husband will let me know when I have been asleep long enough. For now, I just turn over, tuck the bed covers tight around me and pull one corner over my head. I will myself back to sleep.
7:15 the music and the noises are loud now. Time to wake up, besides the dog is insisting to be let out to pee. As I stir my footsteps must be noticed because the music and noises from below grow even louder still. I wonder how many beers now, I wonder when I will get the first in the list of criticisms and critiques about my abhorrent behaviours. I probably parked the car wrong, used the incorrect amount of soap in the washer, I know I didn’t put the clothes in the dryer before going to bed, that is worthy of being pointed out, the list will be coming soon, I know, but still, I hope that maybe today will pass without being made aware of my many flaws. Yet 1husband always provides.
7:23 I text 1lover. He is new in the role, really only about a month now. But, I have known him for a while. Met him a couple of years ago right after his divorce. I casually cyber-stalked him, and I earnestly dreamed of him. Then I discovered he liked me, no really liked me! It is weird, it is strange, it is a force of attraction I am putting up no effort to resist. I type and then hit send on a secret message “good morning 1lover”. My stomach churns, throat dry; I anticipate no reply, I know total rejection is on its way. I have told him to run away from me, I am too messed up to be with anyone right now. I fear many things: maybe 1lover is too busy for me, bored with me, knows I have more flaws and shortcomings than 1husband tells me I do. My brain is working overtime streaming catastrophic images.
and then he messages “good morning sweetheart”.
My entire soul, my self, has turned into a flesh and blood, living breathing, sensual hourglass. My heart fills up from this one simple greeting; my mind drains and becomes calm and empty. My head is cleared of the bad images, now. I wonder if 1lover already knows that I am teetering on the edge of an emotional cliff and possibly already falling hopelessly in love with him? I wonder if I should let myself even begin to fall in love again?